I Want To Dive Into It
by Minstrel164
Summary: A brush with Death's icy cold fingers has Castle deciding to tell Beckett how he feels.


I Want To Dive Into It

_This story takes place shortly after the Countdown episode...it's my take on what might have happened in the aftermath (or should have happened). A brush with Death's icy cold fingers has Castle deciding to tell Beckett how he feels._

This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic piece. I hope you like it.

Castle sat in their favourite booth in Remys waiting. He was fidgety and nervous as he continually turned his coffee cup around and around and around. The coffee itself was cold hardly having been touched. He felt like a teenager on his first date with the most beautiful girl in school.

He glanced at his watch and saw that it was getting late. Looking from his watch he gazed in the direction of the front door. There were only few people in the diner at this time of the night. There was no one from the precinct.

He had called her up and told her he needed to speak to her about something. She had said that she was finishing up some paperwork related to the case but promised to get there in half an hour. Another glance at his watch told him that she was running late, she should have been here fifteen minutes ago.

Castle reached for his mobile phone and was about to hit the speed dial. His thumb paused over the button. He set the phone down and let out a long sigh. Get a gripCastle, he told himself, she will get here when she gets here.

He was about to start playing with his coffee cup again but forced himself to stop. Instead he started playing with his phone, spinning it around and around on the table. His thoughts strayed to a few days ago. His body shuddered involuntarily as he remembered the cold of the freezer. For a while there he thought he would never ever get warm again.

Another shiver wracked his body as he recalled what had happened inside that freezer. A cold hand squeezed his heart as he remembered. He had never felt so helpless in all his life. It was like those few times when Alexis had to be taken to hospital because of some cut or scrape she had incurred but only a million times worse. With Alexis there had been a doctor there in ER to reassure him that every thing would be all right, his mother would be there telling him that Alexis would be fine. Despite being frantic about the condition of his daughter there was a part of him that processed the information being told to him and he knew she would be all right.

But this time...This time it had been different. He and Kate had been trapped inside the freezer and he had to watch as Kate succumbed to the cold. And there was nothing he could do. He had hugged her as tightly as he could willing what little warmth he had into her. Talking to her, telling to stay with him, urging her to hang on. A feeling of helplessness he could not put into words.

As he had cradled her in his arms she seemed so small and fragile. Every breath he took was an effort and painful. There was so much he wanted to tell her but the words were difficult to form much less speak. What tears that came froze immediately on his face. He willed her to keep fighting, to live, not to give up.

He wanted to lean down and kiss her, to tell her that everything would be all right but it required too much energy and effort. His vision was slowly beginning to blacken. He could feel his body slowly shutting down the non vital organs and concentrating on those organs that could keep him alive.

He and Kate were rescued. Even now he was not sure how it happened. He did remember becoming a little hysterical as the paramedics worked on Kate trying to bring her back from the brink. Ryan and Esposito had to physically hold him back as he struggled to go to Kate. Every muscle in his body ached from the extreme cold and his friends' firm grips on his arms but that was nothing compared to the pain he would feel if she slipped away.

He had been told that he had put up such a racket that the medics had relented and allowed him to ride in the bus with Beckett to the hospital.

"Hey Castle."

Castle jumped, startled. He looked up and saw Beckett standing there a small smile on her face. The smile faded and was replaced by a look of concern.

"Are you all right?"

"Oh, yeah...I'm fine." He replied a little shakily. He scooted aside to allow her to sit down beside him. "Just having a waking nightmare."

Beckett gave him an understanding smile. Her hand settled on his and gave it a gentle squeeze. The touch of her hand managed to relax Castle a little bit.

As a parent he had a whole stable full of nightmare scenarios about what could happen to Alexis or his mother. Having made a career of murder and murderers, he had lost count the number of ways one human being could kill another. He had found the strength to restrain those demons but every now and then one of them would bust out of its stall and gallop about. Not all that long ago the stable had been increased to accommodate a whole new team of nightmares, one of which had just slipped out of its stall.

"Was it bad?" Beckett asked in a low voice.

"Bad enough."

Beckett nodded her head. "I know how you feel." she whispered.

Castle felt her squeezing his hand again. It gave him the strength to roundup the nightmare and return it to its stall. He just wasn't sure how strong the lock on the door was.

"Sorry I'm late."

"I know, paperwork." He gave her an understanding smile. "Are you hungry?" He asked.

Beckett shook her head slowly.

"Coffee?"

Beckett gave a curt nod of her head. Castle looked in the direction of the counter and caught the attention of the waiter. He signalled to him. The waiter nodded his head. It would not be long before the coffee arrived.

They sat in companionable silence while they waited for the coffee to arrive. Beckett was leaning against his shoulder. He could smell her perfume, cherries, his favourite. It brought a smile to his lips. His eyes were focused on her hand on his. Her thumb was slowly stroking the top of his hand in that soothing way that chased all the demons away. It made him smile even more.

The waiter brought over the coffee and set the cup in front of Beckett. Castle gave the waiter a nod of thanks.

"What was it you wanted to tell me, Castle?" Beckett inquired as she reached for the coffee with her free hand.

Castle watched her as she took a sip of her coffee and then set it down on the table. When Castle didn't respond she looked at him. Her green eyes held his gaze steadily.

"If you're going to apologise again for..."

"No, it's not that, Kate."

Castle suddenly found that he couldn't find the words. Here he was a world famous author and yet words failed him. He had rehearsed what he wanted to tell her at home. But here and now they would not come to him.

A look of irritation flickered across Kate's face but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

"Back in that freezer...I...I...thought I had lost you."

Kate gave his hand a squeeze as she smiled gently at him.

"Ryan and Esposito told me that you went a little nutsy when the paramedics were working on me."

Castle nodded. "I have never been so scared in all my life...the thought of losing you..." his voice trailed off as the image of that scene returned to his mind.

Kate let out a low sigh. She moved closer to him and rested her head against his.

"I thought I'd lost you." She whispered.

Castle could feel his heart beating rapidly and he found it a little difficult to breathe but he had chosen the path and he had taken the first step.

"I could hear you speaking and I wanted to respond." Kate said in a low voice, "but I couldn't. I felt so sad."

"Yet you held on?"

Kate nodded her head. She remembered the darkness that had enveloped her and the pull on her. It would have been so easy to stop fighting it and let herself float away. There would be no more cold. There would be peace. All she had to do was to let go. But then his voice cut through the darkness. His voice was the lifeline she desperately needed. She reached for that lifeline even though it seemed so far away.

She paused to take a deep breath. Slowly she exhaled. Lifting her head she looked at Castle. Her eyes were shiny with the tears that threatened.

"Somehow I held on because of you." She confessed.

"I have your back, always." Castle quipped.

Kate smiled at this. It was true though. He could be annoying and irritating not to mention infuriating. Yet when she was feeling down he seemed to know and would be ready with a quick joke that lifted her spirits. When the chips were down there he would be showing his concern, caring, giving of himself, ignoring the dangers, and all for her.

When they had investigated her mother's murder the darkness had threatened to return to drag her back down that deep dark hole but he had been there at her side to lend a hand, to watch her back, to pull her back from the dark depthless abyss.

Castle had moved beyond being the plucky sidekick to loyal partner to...what? Friend? Yes he had become her friend a long time ago but more than a friend. She didn't finish the thought.

For a few minutes they sat there in silence holding hands enjoying being so close together.

"Kate." Castle said in a low voice.

"Yes Rick?"

Kate saw the look in his blue eyes and she held her breath.

"Kate I'm here and I want to dive into it together with you."

Kate's eyes widened in surprise. All of a sudden she remembered what she had confessed to him inside the decontamination tent. She had been feeling scared and vulnerable, not knowing if they both had been exposed to a lethal dose of radiation or not. In that moment of uncertainty her defences were lowered and told him something she normally would not have told anyone.

She opened her mouth to say something but she found that she was too shocked to speak. She could feel her cheeks burning as she blushed as she realised what was coming.

"I love you Kate." He said. "And I'm in love with you."

She stared back at him wide-eyed and speechless. His lips were curved in a smile but the smile didn't reach up to his eyes. She saw the look in his eyes. Was it anxiety? No it was fear, she realised. He feared her answer. He had finally come out and confessed what she had always suspected but never wanted to acknowledge. He was afraid that she would reject him.

Kate removed her hand from his. Her head was in a spin, a whirlpool of emotions. Her heart was beating faster than she thought was ever possible. She gave him a smile and it grew when she saw the fear disappear from his face to be replaced by hope.

She leaned towards him and cupped his face in her hands, drawing him closer. She could feel him tremble slightly. She found that touching.

Then, finally she gave him her answer by putting her lips to his and kissing him deeply.

**I would dearly love to hear what you think of this one off story. Just be a little gentle as this is my first time.**

**Regards**


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